Greeting cards are nice and everything, and they’re appropriate for almost any occasion, especially if they contain money. They’re not always honest, however, though these come pretty close. If we were really saying what was on our minds, we would have store bought well wishes with options like these:
10. “I’m like really busy, so this means a lot coming from me.”
Who has time to send greeting cards these days? Who even remembers birthdays anymore, with Facebook alerting you every time your friend is celebrating one? We should really be able to send out cards that emphasize just what a big deal it is that we managed to actually go to the store, read all the options, pick one out, find a stamp (who uses stamps anymore? Do we even know how much they cost now? Mine just say “forever”) and remember to drop it off at the post office.
9. “Good luck with middle school, kid.”
These days we have cards to celebrate every type of graduation, from college all the way down to kindergarten. Sure, kids should be congratulated and recognized for their achievements, but they could also use a well-wishing pep talk to psych them up for the low point of their lives: middle school.
8. “Welcome back!”
This would be a useful little greeting for parents to send to their children that return from a stint of atheism to the church they grew up in as kids. To be sent out when considering things like marriage or whether or not to baptize their babies. I know my mom would have liked to have one to send to me.
7. “Congratulations on your divorce!”
We have so many greeting cards congratulating happy couples on tying the knot, but with divorce rates so high and the legal/emotional tolls the proceedings take on each party, they often leave both sides financially and emotionally drained, not to mention relieved. Friends should really take this time to congratulate a divorced friend on surviving the whole ordeal.
6. “My condolences: Sorry about your bangs.”
Every woman at some point in her life decides to get bangs for some reason, and unless you’re Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, this is a terrible idea, one that she immediately regrets but can do nothing to fix until they grow out. We need a way for women to tell their friends that they’re by their side and will only make a maximum of three jokes about this unfortunate hairstyle before moving on and distracting her. Preferably with alcohol.
5. “My condolences: Sorry your kid went vegan.”
I feel like this is a parent’s nightmare. Now whenever their children come home to visit, mom is forced to whip up a complicated menu of mostly rabbit food, and will, despite her best efforts, still end up feeling like she’s starving her child. Or worse, she’ll forget that cheese isn’t vegan and feel guilty all evening. We need to show these parents that our thoughts and prayers are with them.
4. “Happy Drinking Day!”
4th of July, Cinco de Mayo, St. Patrick’s Day. None of these holidays really merit a card, but they do merit a reminder that any holiday is an excuse to drink. We need a stash of these to keep in our desk, to send out with an invitation to the next themed pregame. Need even more excuses to drink? Check out these celebrations that aren’t holidays, but should be.
3. “Sorry you couldn’t have a bar mitzvah too.”
These should be sent to all non-Jewish kids lucky enough to attend a friend’s rite of passage ceremony and celebration. Sure, the parties are fun, but where’s our money? This would be an extremely thoughtful way for any Jewish 13-year-old to send a thank-you card to his/her Christian friends who might be bitter that “My Super Sweet 16″ was never really a thing. How many of us actually got a car? Exactly. Now we have to wait until graduation to get a stack of cash that big. Life’s tough.
2. “I won’t help you with your move (but here’s a card instead).”
Sometimes our friends embark on exciting transitions and new life adventures. We should be able to express our friendship and support without having to loan them our truck. Or our hands. Or our time and effort. Moving sucks, but that doesn’t mean we’re bad friends for not wanting to help.
1. “Congratulations on paying off all your student loans!”
Seriously, why isn’t this as big a deal as it should be? Forget graduation, this is easily the best day in any college student’s postgrad life. Throw a party. Get some cards. If they have money in them, you can use that cash to buy a blazer that costs more than $20, without feeling guilty about not giving it straight to the bank.